Shyness is a characteristic of the personality that influences the behavior of the person and inevitably conditions social relationships, limiting the social development of the individual.
It is a sensation that the person experiences when exposed to certain social contexts and consists of discomfort and the inability to fully enjoy and develop their interpersonal skills with satisfaction.
This constant and persistent fear of taking a specific action in front of other people creates a feeling of insecurity that blocks the subject and makes it difficult for them to maintain a conversation or approach others fluently and naturally.
Shyness can be prolonged and persistent, or it can be circumstantial.
It can appear in specific situations that the subject does not control and that go out of their usual routine, such as, for example, when they are presented to a group of people they do not know. In this case, the shyness is likely to disappear as time progresses and interact with them.
These people live dependent on the opinions of others, they believe that their opinion has no value and that, therefore, it does not matter. Shyness is not a disease but when it is acute it can lead to an infinity of problems on a day-to-day basis, generating social isolation.
If I increase my self-esteem, will my shyness decrease?
The characteristic thoughts of shy people are negative thoughts of the type "I am not good", "I can not", "I am not capable", "I am not worth", and so on.
All of them immobilize the person when they are going to carry out any type of action and more specifically if it is a social act.
These phrases are well known, since low self-esteem also relates them.
Shy people flee from social interactions because they believe that they cannot contribute anything interesting, that is, they think that they are worthless and that they are uninteresting. These self-perceptions are the branches of the tree of low self-esteem.
Ultimately, these negative evaluations of one's own person increase vulnerability to external criticism and opinions.
For this reason, shy people prefer to hide, go unnoticed and stay in the background so that no one judges them, since they are totally dependent on the criteria of others.
Many people think that being shy will never change, since they were born this way. But the truth is that this aspect can be changed through constant and long work of thought and behavior modification.
By becoming aware of the wrong thoughts and overcoming certain emotional blocks, we can overcome shyness in less time than we imagine.
"Shyness is a condition alien to the heart, a category, a social dimension that leads to loneliness." Pablo Neruda.
How does a negative person really feel?
Next we are going to expose a series of traits that characterize shy people.
- Negative self-assessment. These people with low self-esteem consider that they are inferior to others, that they are not socially accepted and would expose themselves to ridicule in the case of trying to socialize.
- They tend to blush very easily. Any opinion or word that someone says to you will make them feel ashamed and feel great discomfort since their self-confidence is very low.
- Unable to give their opinion. They are not able to express their thoughts or wishes openly, so they often punish themselves with ideas such as "I should have said this" or "I should have acted this way." They are not capable of defending their arguments and can act in a passive-aggressive manner, or give their opinion behind the back of the person who should listen to them.
- They show introversion. Usually the shy person tries to be inconspicuous. They avoid eye contact, their posture is cramped, and their voice is very low. They simply remain silent and observe others, seeming to agree with what the majority thinks. They try to stay out of the way in public situations and are unable to integrate into a group.
- They may stutter, shake, flush, or start sweating if they try to speak when they are in social situations due to the high stress to which they are being exposed.
- Excessive attention to themselves. They tend to be very focused on their own emotions and thoughts than on the outside. In this way, when they get nervous in social situations, they are aware of what is happening and this increases their insecurity and nervousness.
- Inordinate concern. They are excessively sensitive to criticism and the opinions of others, so much so that the information they may receive paralyzes them and prevents them from making decisions in any type of interpersonal relationship.
- They show high levels of anxiety that they experience by submitting to situations that make them uncomfortable and generate stress, leading in extreme cases to give rise to an anxiety crisis.
- When they maintain contact with someone they try to keep their distance, non-verbal language appears in such a way that they tend to keep their arms crossed (a way of hiding), or they try to avoid physical contact.
- Negative language towards themselves. When they describe themselves using negative words, they blame themselves for everything that happens and are unable to recognize if they are doing something right by highlighting their failures and mistakes.
- They are easily manipulated. They access the proposals of others even if this affects them negatively, as long as they are accepted and liked.
Shyness, why me?
The age at which shyness appears is usually between 5 and 7 years. It lasts until adolescence where it becomes a systematized mechanism due to the fact that in this period the individual has greater self-awareness (self-concept). In this period, the social aspect and the need for acceptance by their peer group becomes clear, therefore they act accordingly to please and give a favorable image towards others. This is where the decision of a normal maturation process of the individual in relation to his environment is determined, or on the contrary, a chronic problem that leads to social isolation.
This problem has different causes, among which we can find:
- Genetic causes: According to some scientific studies, the predisposition towards shyness related to a personality gene has been discovered, creating the ideas of fear towards social relationships. However, this gene is only a determining factor, so if there are adequate factors of the social and psychological environment, it does not have to manifest itself.
- Physical causes: Any type of disease that affects the health of the individual, whether genetic or acquired, can affect the personality of the person highlighting the differences with the rest and seeing their limitations. In this regard, parents play a triggering role in attitudes such as being overprotective and caring for them, preventing them from interacting with others in a common way.
- Psychological causes: The diversity of stimuli that a person receives in their childhood make their personality consolidate. Therefore, children with overprotective, demanding or authoritarian parents can cause the child to feel insecure, with low self-esteem and unable to develop social skills when interacting with other people. Also certain events or traumatic events can mark the identity and make a person who was not shy before to begin to act and feel as such.
In addition to these causes, shyness is usually a learned behavior, which is why it is emphasized the importance that it can be unlearned and carry out a contrary behavior.
Parents are the main socializing agents in a person's life, therefore it is important that they take this aspect into account and avoid attitudes such as:
- Humiliation: Negative and derogatory words towards children's behavior encourages negative self-concept, so it is essential to educate from respect and take care of the language used towards them, since they are especially susceptible in this period.
- Severity: Continuous prohibitions affect your sense of freedom and acceptance of your mistakes, so it is essential to create a dialogue about why you should not take certain actions and keep tolerance in mind at all times.
- Lack of communication: Talking about what frustrates them and what makes them feel bad encourages acceptance of themselves and the loss of shame about their emotions, favoring the expression of feelings and normalization of them.
8 wonderful steps to help you overcome shyness once and for all
People subjected to their inferiority and self-sabotage complex limit their interaction with other people to avoid criticism and judgments towards them. This fact causes them negative feelings such as frustration, helplessness and loneliness. For this reason, we must be aware that this feeling of incapacity can be modified and be able to establish healthy relationships with others by feeling good and enjoying people. Here are some techniques to overcome shyness and feel fulfilled on a social and personal level.
Detect the causes of your shyness
Identifying what are the triggers of this is the first step to eradicate it. In this way, if the thoughts that cause shyness are located, it will help you stop them when they manifest. For this we propose you to prepare a list of situations that generate anxiety and social phobia. For example, when does this happen? Who am I with when it happens? Does it always happen or only occasionally?
Recognize and accept shyness as part of everyone's personality
Denying our emotions and running away from them only makes them show up with greater intensity. Talking and expressing about your feelings and acknowledging your shyness makes the situation normalize, since by expressing them out loud you can free yourself and take the pressure off your back if you try to hide it.
Restructure your thoughts
Shy people have a negative thought structure pattern in their head. These thoughts make you feel undervalued and self-conscious. To do this, you must break this habit by challenging your mind, that is, when they appear, be aware of each one of them and put a brake on them. Most of these thoughts come from irrational beliefs such as
- "I'm not worth it"
- "They don't like me"
- "I do not serve"
Have the idea that even if your head tells you, they are not real, so try not to listen to them and find a way to see the situation differently.
Choose to keep an open mind
Our body language easily gives us away, so open body language sends signals that you are available to build relationships with others. Maintaining eye contact, sitting leaning forward, keeping arms and legs open, and giving a small smile are some of the gestures that attribute sociability. This language determines the perception that others receive of us and the way we relate to our environment.
Talk to your mirror
It sounds strange but talking in front of the mirror makes us practice our way of communicating and expressing our ideas. Observe the way you interact, your gestures and movements that you make when speaking, then imagine that you are talking to another person and contemplate the way you act. This will serve as a rehearsal for when you are in social situations so that your anxiety disappears and your confidence increases.
Give way only to positive thoughts
Make positive affirmations About ourselves makes them unconsciously establish themselves as beliefs, so that highlighting our qualities and talking to us in an affective way in the long run makes us feel better and makes us believe our values and virtues.
Take care of yourself like nobody else
Dedicate time to you take care of your diet Y perform physical exercise makes us feel better physically and mentally. The message we give each other when we treat each other with affection and take care of ourselves is that of "I matter." Spend time doing what you like and what makes you feel good. Remember that nobody can love you like you and that is why you must start to conquer yourself every day.
Remember that the only acceptance you need is yours
Be independent of external opinions and seek approval from anyone. If you do something, do it for yourself, to feel good and give yourself value. Being independent and not needing anyone is a sign of strength.